Whenever I sit down to pump breast milk for Shoti (usually 1am or 3am in the morning), I’d pick up my phone and browse Instagram to keep me awake and entertained.

There’s this stylist and influencer named Rasmit Kaur or “Roz” (@roz_creativestylist) who I stumbled upon in one of my doomscrolling sessions. One of the things she said that hit me harder than expected is, “Don’t style for the version of yourself 10 years ago. That train has left the station”.

It made me think about how I’m no longer my 120-pound self anymore, that girl who subscribed to an app on her phone and did her workouts diligently to get to that weight. I look at myself in the mirror, and I see how much I’ve grown wider, how my arms are flabbier, and how my legs are so much bigger than they were before.

One afternoon, while Shoti was asleep, I tried on a pair of Uniqlo x JW Anderson jeans I didn’t get to wear often because of my pregnancy. It’s a size 29, and I clearly remember how I loved how it looked on me when I first bought it. I think I wore it on an outing with J once, and enjoyed how it looked on my body.

With other pieces of clothing, I used to be a size 28 or a size Medium/Large, depending on the brand. Before getting pregnant, I found myself feeling more comfortable in Uniqlo’s XL.

When I tried it on that day, I couldn’t button the jeans close.

I was mortified. I wanted to just break down and cry. 😞

I know it’ll take me a year or two for the baby bump to flatten itself, but I just couldn’t shake off this disappointment. I was disciplined with my workouts. I signed up for home service boxing lessons. I subscribed to that app in an effort to get back to 120 lbs.

But LIFE happened.

We got two Corgis. We had to move out to renovate the house. J started the business. I had to double down at work because I was going through the roughest months of my life, and it was affecting my performance. Oftentimes there wasn’t a slot in my schedule for working out. If I did find the time, something or someone would get in the way.

Have you experienced something similar? Because this has left a significant dent on my self-esteem.

What’s worse is I can’t figure out how to shake it off. I’m dangerously eying clothing on Shopee to make up for the loss. I’ve spent hours on Instagram watching how people style themselves, and what would make me look good again. I’ve already spent a bit over a thousand pesos on nursing clothes and a few pambahay outfits that I thought would make me look nice when out and about.

But Roz’s advice about styling for my present self gives me hope that I can regain my identity and sense of self soon.

I’m using Todoist to help me recover my identity while staying aligned with my Finish + Create theme for this year. I keep looking at J and my shared vision board, all the trips and experiences we plan to do together, to motivate me to stay on track.

I may not be a size 28 anymore, but I want to believe it isn’t permanent, and that I can still try to get back into shape. I just need to take things a day at a time.