Whenever I’m in the trenches of a season in life, my mother would remind me that things get better with each day that passes.

The newborn stage has been difficult physically and mentally, so I try to adopt this mindset every time the sun rises. It’s helped me get through the lack of sleep, Shoti’s crying, thirty minutes of rocking and swaying to calm him down, and the constant clock-checking to make sure I get up in time to pump his milk.

After his first month, I think we’re getting into a routine that’s slowly helping me feel normal.

• If the weather’s nice, we bring him along with us on the car ride to school.
• On weekends or holidays, I take him outside for a short walk with one of the kids before 8AM.
• If J’s in the mood, he’d take us with him to the Taekwondo gym so we could pick the boys up from practice.

These short trips outside of the house have been helpful for both Shoti and I. He gets more stimulation, I get more opportunities to do the things I used to do.

I’m tracking sanity

Atomic Habits author James Clear built a mobile app called Atoms. that lets you track and make progress on your daily habits. On my phone, it used to have just one habit—”Read a chapter”. Now, with how challenging each day’s been, I scrapped that and chiseled it to this one habit:

Four ticks, so far. A chapter of the novel I started, thirty minutes on the Switch playing Animal Crossing, a nice hot shower while he napped, Keratin treatment because I couldn’t stand looking at my frizz. Today gets a tick because I got to blog today! 🎉

Doctor’s visit

Yesterday, Shoti got his first round of vaccines. This means we’re two months away to being able to take him on more trips! I’m itching to take him with us to church, the mall, our favorite cafes, and even the store.

I was honestly nervous, bordering on dread, to return to his pediatrician that day. On a few occasions she’s ignored my messages about supplementing my breast milk with formula milk. Thankfully, she simply acknowledged that I purchased formula for him, and focused on giving him his vaccines. She answered all our questions, and sent us on our way ₱11,500 less.

Internally, I’ve gone back and forth with myself over transitioning him to 100% formula, or just keeping up with pumping so he could continue getting breast milk. The thought of being able to sleep more and not have to worry about racing with the clock to pump is too tempting. I’m also exhausted from all the conversations and arguments over “breast is best” vs. “fed is best”, the guilt I feel whenever someone would point out breast milk’s benefits and overall superiority over formula milk.

At the end of the day, and with each letdown, I keep circling back to wanting him to have higher immunity, more strength, and better digestion. I’m still determined and committed to giving him breast milk so long as my supply keeps going, and until the day my body says it’s made enough.

Looking forward

It gets better each day, Stef. It gets better each day.

I’ve two months left before my parental leave ends and I have to go back to work. I’m really hoping, praying, and begging for easier days, smoother weeks, and milestone months.

We’re looking forward to Shoti being able to support his head, so it’d be easier to carry him. The boys keep asking when he’ll start walking, babbling, and crawling, so he can start hanging out and playing with them. I’m waiting eagerly for him to turn six months, so he can start eating solids and I can start to build my breast milk stash.

Though they’re exciting thoughts, I’m still reminding myself that the newborn stage will be over before I know it. He may be the most challenging baby I’ve had, but he’s oh so loved by everyone in the family. I’ve only two weeks left before Shoti transitions to toddlerhood, so I’m smothering him with as many kisses and cuddles before that day arrives.