I moved into January with a focus on preparing for Shoti Ellis’ arrival—nothing more. Who knew he’d a week earlier than expected!

Nesting complete

I looked back at what I wrote at the beginning of January, and instantly let out a deep sigh. Out of all the “goals” on my list, I only:

• Prepared his clothes and newborn diapers
• Packed all the stuff I want to declutter in two cardboard boxes
• Got his custom made dresser delivered to the house in time for his arrival

The dresser in particular turned out to be a beautiful piece of furniture Coach JB was able to builds for us. ❤️ It holds all of Shoti’s diapers, clothes, blankets, and his baby bag.

Goals that missed the mark

January’s goals saw three X’s and two checkmarks.

We weren’t able to raise ₱200,000 on time for the hospital expenses. J was struggling with collecting payments from his customers that month, so he had to use the cash to cover the business loan. I used a big portion of my personal savings to pay for Shoti’s expenses, just so that we could be discharged ASAP.

One of the more high-priority goal was to prepare the dogs for his arrival. That went out the window. 😕

I didn’t prepare Brooklyn in particular for the crying and wailing he’d hear from across the hallway. He barked non-stop, soiled the floors on multiple occasions, and has started redirecting on Windy when he reacts to his triggers. Windy, on the other hand, has started barking at the doorbell more often than when she’d react to the Subaru’s honking.

Those two cardboard boxes for decluttering? Still sitting on my library benches, waiting for the right opportunity.

Postpartum emotions

The past two weeks since bringing the baby home have been some of the most difficult I had to deal with.

Apart from Shoti waking us multiple times during late hours of the night, breastfeeding has been utterly painful and stressful. I’m using Medela nipple shields to help with latching, but they always lead to stinging, traumatic pain. The pump I invested in has become a painful and tiring experience too. Top it off with low milk supply, and I feel stuck and helpless. I can’t help but blame myself for not being as good a milk provider as I was with H, C, and N. If only I wasn’t such a weakling when it comes to pain, else I could’ve powered through.

Right now, I feel trapped by my own predicament, by my own baby. I can’t leave the house because he’s dependent on me, and I can’t bring him out because he hasn’t received his vaccinations yet. I don’t really know how long I can sustain this without breaking down again.

Snippets of positivity

As I wrote a new set of goals for February, I found myself writing these reflection ‘snippets’ on my planner. I felt significantly better afterwards, so I want to share those thoughts here as well:

• Do one thing that makes you feel like normal Stef again.
• Let go of the things you don’t want or need anymore. Let go of the guilt. Choose to be intentional about where and what you spend your money on.
• It’s never too late to continue what you put on hold. It’s never too late to try again, so long as you’re determined to take it across the finish line. It’s never too late!
• Keep praying. Keep seeking God for guidance and help in everything you do. He is the only one who can give you the comfort and solace you need to power through this difficult time in your life.
• Practice gratitude and positivity, especially when you’re feeling depressed or down in the dumps. Remind yourself of your blessings and privileges. Think about all the women in the world who would’ve wanted what you currently have.

Are there snippets of reflection that helped you realign yourself? I’d love to read them!

New month, here we go

I sure hope things will get better, or easier, as the next 28 days roll by. These are this month’s “goal” items:

• Shoti gets his first round of vaccinations on Feb 28th.
• Increase personal savings to ₱500K (currently at ₱420K).
• Read and finish your first book for the year. That reading journal ain’t worth anything if you don’t read!
• Play a game again, even for just one hour a day.

I guess they’re mostly habits than goals, but I do feel happier just thinking about them. I hope to regain some form of normalcy before I return to work in June. 😭